Frustration and Failure

I am not sure how to handle my frustration and the sense of failure I have as a mother.  I keep thinking that I am doing right by my daughter, but I just feel like such a failure.

Jocelyn has been acting up at daycare and is now hitting and slapping kids on a daily basis.  Rob and I stopped patting her on her butt almost a month ago because I don’t want her to think hitting is ok.  We have started to eat dinner as a family nearly every night, and we have been consistent when we punish her.  Her toys have been taken away, and she isn’t allowed to watch her TV shows, listen to her favorite music or watch her favorite movies.  I have told her repeatedly that if she is a good girl, she will get this stuff back.  When she is a good kid at daycare or at home, we praise her and reward her.  What am I doing wrong? I get that this could be a phase, but what if it isn’t.

My biggest fear is this isn’t a phase, and she won’t grow out of this.  I don’t’ know what to do.  I am taking a parenting class in hopes to help me with the discipline.  I am trying to be loving towards her and not yelling at her.  I need an outlet to take my frustration out.  I can see that this is affecting my relationship with my husband.  How do I fix it at this point?

I pray every night that my child will be good at daycare and not hit anyone and not spit or wipe her nose on everything.  I have so much anxiety every time I pick her up.  I am always so afraid to know how Jocelyn has acted that day.  She doesn’t hit at home and she doesn’t wipe her nose all over the furniture at home.  I don’t know why she is doing this at daycare.

I just want to cry.  I just want to scream.  I just want a break.

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Random Thoughts

It’s been awhile since I lasted posted.  Not a lot has happened but a lot has been on my mind.  Work is crazy and I am just so unsure about how much longer I really want to stay at Colby.  I thought by taking on so many new responsibilities, I’d get a better job title and better pay.  Well, none of that is happening. Do I really want to be someone’s assistant for the rest of my life?? No!! I want to do so much more.  But what that is, I have no idea.

The other thing stressing me out and making me snap at everyone is the fact that  my husband isn’t back to work yet.  God forbid he doesn’t have dinner ready for me when I get home.  I work all freakin’ day and come home and still have to take care of our daughter! Why can’t he just see that he isn’t making me happy right now?  I seriously just want to scream and leave some days.  I want to punch and throw things and scream at the top of my lungs!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I’m so damn frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and seriously just want to get the hell out!!!!

Good Bye Becky

Yesterday my family had to put down our beloved dog Becky.  She was almost 11 years old.  From the outside, she looked healthy.  But we weren’t sure of what was happening on the inside.  We had the vets run blood test twice, a urine culture twice and everything came back normal.

A few months ago Becky had a UTI.  She was peeing on the carpet in the house, which is something she never does.  We took her to vets, got the medication and thought that was that.  She continued to pee in the house and was drinking a lot more water than she needed.  Every time we would put the bowl down with water, she would devour it.  It got to the point that we could put down two or three bowls of water and it would all be gone.  The vet checked her kidneys and said they were fine.  She said it could be a psychological thing or it could be a form of diabetes that would require a ton of testing.  We just can’t afford it right now.  So we had to make the hardest decision to put her down.

I have never had to put an animal down before.  Becky left before her time was up but I know she is heaven, chasing her tennis ball, and running free with no pain.

She will be missed by all that came in contact with her.  She was so loving towards everyone.  Until we meet again Becky.

becky

Grateful

I noticed that my blogs so far have been so negative and just focusing on all that is bad.  That is what I am projecting out to the world so that is what I am getting back.  I know I am a negative person.  I don’t want to be that person.  I want to be positive and optimistic so that is what I can get in return.

I want to learn to be more grateful for the things that I do have.  Yes, I am still going to worry about my bills and my financial situation but I want to think positive and project out to the universe that I have some hope.

When I was driving home today, I called my mom as I do every day, and broke down telling her how we are broke and that I feel like such a failure to my daughter.  My mom understood what I was going through because when  I was a baby, her and my dad went through the exact same thing.  It is nice to have someone I can talk to about this and understands what I am going through.  I can’t talk to my friends about this.  They have no idea what is going on in our life.   I love them, don’t get me wrong, but this isn’t something I can talk to them about.

I know everything will work out and that we will make it through this problem.  It’s just hard to see beyond the dark clouds right now.

 

Scared

I received a phone call from my husband this afternoon.  He told me that we only have $22 in our bank account.  This is supposed to last us until next Thursday.  How did we get here? How did we get to the point where we only have $22 in our total bank accounts.  How do I look my daughter in the eye knowing I may not be able to support her? We didn’t plan for my husband to be laid off for the winter.  We didn’t save anything.

All I want to do now is sell my house and leave.  We can’t afford our life.  We can’t afford anything.  I hate that we are always having money problems.  Last year was pretty much one of the worst years of my life.  We kept having the most horrible things happen to us one right after another.  We couldn’t catch a break at all.  Now, we are going through this all over again.  I thought this year was going to be better.

When will I be able to breathe again?  When will I be able to look at my kid and tell her, we are going to be all right.  I can’t believe what a disappointment we are to our child.  I want to be optimistic about life and be grateful for what I do have.  But it is so hard for me to that right now.  You know what?  Here are the things I am grateful for: my daughter who can drive me crazy but make me laugh all at the same time, my husband who is just as scared as I am but always tries to stay optimistic, my mother who I know I could tell anything to, my friends who are always there even when I don’t ever get to see them, my job that keeps me sane when there is so much sanity in my life.  Maybe by remembering what I am grateful for, I am sending some positive thoughts out to the universe and it can stop kicking my butt.

 

Constant Worry

Rob is laid off for the winter and money is beyond tight.  We weren’t ready for this and we didn’t save for it.  I have no idea how we are going to pay for anything.  Our credit cards are maxed and our savings is used up.  We are about to do our taxes and I hope we get back enough  to get through the winter.  I really hope that the fact that he is getting his class B license will help him at work.

All I keep worrying about is I won’t have enough money to feed Jocelyn.  I am so scared that we won’t be able to take care of her.  Talk about feeling like a failure to your child.  I am working on  trying to get paid more at work but nothing will happen, if it happens at all, until July.

I just feel like such a failure.  I pray that Jocelyn really finds what she truly is passionate about in life.  I wish I would have listened to my mom  when I was younger.  I would be doing what I love right now.  I hope that Jocelyn listens to my advice when she is older. I hope she makes good life choices.  I know I didn’t.  All I want is to make her proud.  Most days, I feel like a horrible mother.  I hate when I yell at her. I hate when I scream at the top of my lungs sometimes at her.  I know it will affect her in the future.  I keep saying I won’t do that again but then I do.  I never really thought I would be a mother or even married at that.  Some days I feel like I made a mistake having a baby then others I can’t imagine my life without her.

All I want is for her to have a happy life.

Sick baby

Jocelyn has a runny nose yet again.  She just got done taking medicine for her ear infection and pink eye.  I keep going back and forth about her getting tubes in her ears.  If this was last year, I would have had the procedure done already but this is her first ear infection in 6 months.  That is really good for her!  But I don’t think the medication worked this time around.  I hate this time of year for her.  Daycare is just full of sick kids and the minute she gets better, she gets sick again!

This now means I get no sleep because she will start her night in her room and then wakes up crying and I have to bring her into our room.  My poor baby.

Why am I doing this?

My name is Jessie and I am a mother and a wife.  I have a daughter who will be turning two in April.  I decided to start a blog, not in hopes of anyone ever reading it, but I needed a place where I could put down my thoughts about my child.  All the struggles, the highs and the lows, the joys and the pains that come in raising a child while working full time and being a wife.  I know this is not new to people but for me it has been a struggle.  I didn’t know what to expect from motherhood.  I was never around children growing up, so when my daughter came, it was a whole new world for me.

My goal with this blog is to one day be able to show my daughter have her see it and understand where I was coming from.  This will also be a good way for her to see her childhood through my eyes.family