Constant Worry

Rob is laid off for the winter and money is beyond tight.  We weren’t ready for this and we didn’t save for it.  I have no idea how we are going to pay for anything.  Our credit cards are maxed and our savings is used up.  We are about to do our taxes and I hope we get back enough  to get through the winter.  I really hope that the fact that he is getting his class B license will help him at work.

All I keep worrying about is I won’t have enough money to feed Jocelyn.  I am so scared that we won’t be able to take care of her.  Talk about feeling like a failure to your child.  I am working on  trying to get paid more at work but nothing will happen, if it happens at all, until July.

I just feel like such a failure.  I pray that Jocelyn really finds what she truly is passionate about in life.  I wish I would have listened to my mom  when I was younger.  I would be doing what I love right now.  I hope that Jocelyn listens to my advice when she is older. I hope she makes good life choices.  I know I didn’t.  All I want is to make her proud.  Most days, I feel like a horrible mother.  I hate when I yell at her. I hate when I scream at the top of my lungs sometimes at her.  I know it will affect her in the future.  I keep saying I won’t do that again but then I do.  I never really thought I would be a mother or even married at that.  Some days I feel like I made a mistake having a baby then others I can’t imagine my life without her.

All I want is for her to have a happy life.

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